The Internal Monologue of a Frustrated Lifeguard

You. Yes, you, with the bottled blonde hair and the fake breasts. I’m sure that your new husband has something profoundly interesting to say, though you do seem paying more attention to his bare pecs than his words, and I understand that parenting 24 hours a day is hard. You’re seizing the time with your new meat while little Timmy is distracted by Frisbees and water guns, taking what moments of respite you can. I respect that, and I wish you whatever rest you can get.

However, I feel the need to inform you that little Timmy is, in fact, drowning.

Now, please don’t look at me like that. I know you’re trying to teach him independence. “That’s how they did it in my day,” you’re thinking. Difficulty what growing up is all about. Challenge builds character. Toss him in the deep end, let him figure the rest out, and he’ll be all the better for it.

Unfortunately, I can’t let that happen. While I’m all for challenging kids in their learning, there are limits. You see, at no point as he is learning to swim should little Timmy be thrashing about in the water like a seizure victim, screaming bloody murder like a death metal rocker. This behaviour does not mean he is learning to swim. Rather, it means he is drowning.

I see your expression has not changed. Very well. If the threat of your child dying in his sleep due to residual inhaled water in the lungs, perhaps I can appeal to your pragmatic side. You see, we are reaching a point where I am legally and ethically obliged to intervene. Not only do I wish to avoid the hassle of laundering my shirt, I imagine neither you nor I have any desire to spend time completing the paperwork involved with these sort of incidents. Your time, and mine, is valuable, best served on more useful activities. Please, don’t waste it.

Still the look of disgruntled disdain. I’m impressed at your ability to sneer so well with your head that far up your own ass. Can you not see the terror on little Timmy’s face?

No?

Fine, we’ll do it your way.

I suppose I could do with a swim.